Thursday, July 11, 2013

life sucks

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Ah, there are so many things I wish I could fix.
So many things I'd like to go back and redo differently.

My father has passed away.
We weren't the best friends, but his last mail to me was very emotional, and made me wish I had done things differently...

I wish I had introduced my girlfriend (ex) to him, and maybe pay him a visit when I knew he was sick.
That only could have changed so much my current situation...

I've lost the closest people I had, the only person I've thought to marry, have kids, and be with the rest of my life... and the only person who although not liking each other since childhood, trusted, saw my potential, and even helped me economically to study and live in a foreign country on the other side of the planet.
There's no next closest person in the list...

I've always tried to even when things seem bad, to think logically and deal with them in a positive/self-helping manner.
I think I'm about to reach my limit.

Losing my father is understandable, as it's a part of nature at least. Although I wished I could spend some time with him at least on his final days.

Losing my fiance still makes no sense. As although there were some bad times caused by stress and others, there benefits and happiness in being together is/was obviously larger... Why focus only in the bad things when there were so many more good times and memories... Why think of fighting when we can flirt with in mysql, joke about stuffs that wouldn't make much sense to other people, or just enjoying being together at dna level.

The worst thing is I had fell for this girl so badly, even trying I can't be with someone else. I have no interest, no will to.

God please, if you read my blog, I've had quite a crappy life till now, please give her back to me and I'll try to do more good stuffs for the world besides free software and work.
I'm too tired to go on.

Rest in peace dad, I'm so sorry I couldn't visit you in person with a wife and kids as you wanted to so much.
Believe me, I'm full of regrets already.
By this rate, see you in a few years...

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