Monday, July 15, 2013

for second try

OK, so... putting apart the fact I want my ex back like hell, I'm "fixing" my remaining "bad" stuffs she kept complaining about...
Maybe I'll get a chance with this... or at least it'll certainly make me healthier and more skillful.

  1. I realized and corrected my wild/yakuza Japanese I used to use sometimes. Now I use it only before fighting the yakuza in Shinjuku.
  2. I can resist criticizing defects of people I don't like very much (to a certain level... and as long as they are not working with me).
  3. I got I was too jealous without having a reason on many occasions. Although I wished she'd got how I felt for her having so many guy friends... But I should have understood how that was just kind of her role here as well, I wish I had been able to think so a few months ago...

And now I'm fixing my diet and cooking skills...

Do you know what a "mochi" is? It's like a soft cake make of rice. Well, sometime ago when my (ex)girlfriend was feeling bad and her stomach wasn't too good, I bought one for her to make her feel better... this is a NOT DO example. Apparently that's like hard to digest and stuffs, so she got like really mad at me for not being able to cook her anything...

So, fuck, I'm starting cooking classes><... Of all the things I thought I'd never be doing...
I even got a BBQ Master License (only in Japan...)! So at least I can prepare some good meat.
Target: Next time my gf gets sick, I will be able to prepare something to her. As well as when she's busy at work and stuffs.

My diet, which consisted mostly of meat and coca cola, has been completely changed.
Maybe it's because of age, or being extremely depressed, I don't know. But I don't feel like having meat/chicken with potatoes and coke all day long any more.
From my health checkup 4 days ago, I lost 2.5kgs, from which a lot was fat... although I my muscular mass increased a lot too thanks to capoeira classes.
2 more kgs, and I'll be the same weight I had when I joined my company, only with more muscle, which I guess is a good thing. And riding my bike 36kms a day for 2, or 3 more days should get me there.

Now losing weight, I'm measuring my weight/fat%/muscle%, etc on daily basis, as well as the kcals for everything I eat(I'm eating vegetables! can't believe it...).
That's another reason to quit coke, I used to have about 1/3 of my needed kcals from it + meals, so it was very easy to get over calories.
Target: Have my Greek-god-like body back, be able to control my and family's(0ppl right now) nutrition responsibly, and hopefully with a good flavor.

Anyway, I should have the necessary skills to be a good ikumen with this... now I only need my girl back><.

Diet/cooking classes links(Japanese)

After a while
Updating this after a few weeks...
Hmmm setting targets can be a good thing for projects and all, but maybe not too good to get a girlfriend. The best thing is just leave it to nature and her judgement.
I will be trying to improve myself, in all the things she told me were bad about me, and I do hope while or after that she'll understand how much she means to me though.

Anyway, now I'm thin again, I'm trying to get along with lots of people I really couldn't even imagine talking myself with ever (trying to understand people...), and I'm learning to cook and all so I can be useful in the house too. At least one girl should find some of that attractive, sadly I don't just care for any kind of girl anymore...

After even longer

And then I started seeing my ex in the same place I work, coming to and going back from the office, pretty much every time at lunch, and in big meetings, with some super ugly/annoying guy she works with... and it was just too clear.
After 10 months of dumping me, she contacted me, told me she wanted like 300,000JPY "back" (we had already split the money we used every month, so there's no way we owe each other any money...), and more of some psycho, probably brainwashed by some other guy talk.
This is so disappointing in so many ways... it's amazing how people can change from influence from fucking assholes. I guess you kind of have to be one from the beginning to be able to be such people's friend though.
So disappointed.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

life sucks

1!|=3 5u(>

Ah, there are so many things I wish I could fix.
So many things I'd like to go back and redo differently.

My father has passed away.
We weren't the best friends, but his last mail to me was very emotional, and made me wish I had done things differently...

I wish I had introduced my girlfriend (ex) to him, and maybe pay him a visit when I knew he was sick.
That only could have changed so much my current situation...

I've lost the closest people I had, the only person I've thought to marry, have kids, and be with the rest of my life... and the only person who although not liking each other since childhood, trusted, saw my potential, and even helped me economically to study and live in a foreign country on the other side of the planet.
There's no next closest person in the list...

I've always tried to even when things seem bad, to think logically and deal with them in a positive/self-helping manner.
I think I'm about to reach my limit.

Losing my father is understandable, as it's a part of nature at least. Although I wished I could spend some time with him at least on his final days.

Losing my fiance still makes no sense. As although there were some bad times caused by stress and others, there benefits and happiness in being together is/was obviously larger... Why focus only in the bad things when there were so many more good times and memories... Why think of fighting when we can flirt with in mysql, joke about stuffs that wouldn't make much sense to other people, or just enjoying being together at dna level.

The worst thing is I had fell for this girl so badly, even trying I can't be with someone else. I have no interest, no will to.

God please, if you read my blog, I've had quite a crappy life till now, please give her back to me and I'll try to do more good stuffs for the world besides free software and work.
I'm too tired to go on.

Rest in peace dad, I'm so sorry I couldn't visit you in person with a wife and kids as you wanted to so much.
Believe me, I'm full of regrets already.
By this rate, see you in a few years...